Dear Toronto Girl,

Hello..

yesterday, the new jersey nets finally won..
after three weeks..

by now, i guess you have an idea of how much a basketball fan your friend is. that my moods for the day is greatly affected by whether my team wins or loses. imagine how i was like for the past weeks, miserable. except of course for those days when i get to spend time with you and you were flooding me with compliments, something you never fail to do.

today marks my 6th month in the company. i just finished going over my evaluation papers. quite a disappointment. i never knew i rated too low here. considering the fact i have been trying to stay within the lines, follow the rules as much as i can. save for 4-5 instances where i reported for work late, i could say i was performing well beyond everyone's expectations. myself included. and in this business, showing up for work ranks high in most company's standards.

i tried going over some of the other factors listed in the paper and still finds it hard how i failed the other categories. there's this part that questions my work performance, how efficient i am at what i do. i don't even understand how anyone could come up with the metrics they showed me. modesty aside, my ability to multi-task is something i think few among my colleagues can match here. and i have been using that skill to be able to do more than what is being asked, asking for little time required to handle such things. realizing that it doesn't seem enough, i am at a loss at what i should be doing to get the credits i deserve. or at least, get something that will somehow meet my own assessment of myself. not this crap.

they say that once you find a job you really love, then you won't have to work a day in your life. it's a lie. i've been lucky enough to find jobs i enjoy doing, but the part about not having to work seems elusive. maybe that only works if you also have the right crew working around you. office politics sucks. it's almost unbearable sometimes.

sigh..

Nightwing

Echo - "the persistence of sound long after the source has stopped.."

Dear Toronto Girl,

last night my dad came home drunk. i noticed the past few days, it has become a habit for him. every other day at least. the first night it happened, i tried not to say anything. the last time he had moments like this was six months ago. it's not like he does that on a regular basis. then it happened again the following night. and last night.

normally, when this happens, there's something bothering him that he feels he couldn't discuss with us. my dad's still old-fashioned, the type who believes fathers are supposed to be the one providing for his family. that when the time comes and he fails to be able to do that, he's already outlived his purpose. i personally think that's purely nonsense. he sees his family having trouble making ends meet, looks at himself thinking he can no longer hold this family together the way he used to.

i don't really know what's running on his mind. i'm not even sure i wanna know. i just wish it was something i won't have to worry. we're still a long way from getting past this dark tunnel we're in right now. it's still dark. sometimes, it feels like we're all going through all this blindly. the only reason i am still standing is my faith that as long as we deal with this as a group, we'll make it out somehow. but sometimes, even that doesn't feel enough.

i still feel weak.

and the sound keeps screaming in my head, toying with my sanity.

...

Nightwing..