dearest friend..

i was hoping i could talk to you about what's happening now..

the tragedy hasn't sink in yet, but that's how it's always been for me. we lost her Saturday night. my mom. the last time i saw her was Monday afternoon, after coming from my runs. they took her to the hospital on Wednesday night. was on coma on Thursday morning and gone forever two nights after. the details in between those events are still a bit hazy for me. only thing stuck on my mind now is that i'll never see her again. never hear her bug me to get a haircut, ask for the latest singlet or finisher shirt i got. or ask me to bring my son to visit.

i have long accepted that we won't have her for very long. just didn't expect to lose her this soon. a few days ago, we were still discussing birthdays. and celebrations. and plans. how she'd like to go back to the province, be there for the fiesta. we were talking about the future.

i now have to..
think of a life without her..
am taking this things in reverse..
the acceptance coming first..
then the denial, anger, etc..

damn.. !

i haven't..

i haven't written anything lately. not because i can't think of anything worth writing. reason's more on having way too many things going on with my life right now that i find it hard focusing on what i wanted to share with you. there are those little things that happens to me every now and then that i wish i could've told you. stories i was hoping i had been able to post online for you to read. to let you know how my life has been the past few months i have been silent. or simply make you smile with whatever incidents i try to narrate..

i haven't written anything lately. i wanted to. but i wanted to write about happy things. and i couldn't. at the start of the year, i remember we discussed how difficult this year was gonna be. it was something we both expected and somehow, i was confident that knowing what lies ahead would make us rise to the challenge. you did. i am still breathing. am not giving up just yet. but i keep wishing things were somehow easier sometimes.

i haven't written anything lately. i keep telling myself i will. later today, or tommorrow. or the day after that. old habits. the worst one i have, i guess. the idea that i can wait until later to get things done almost always gets the better part of me. in the future, people will remember me as the great procrastinator. am still trying to figure out if that can be considered as flattery. i know it's not. my mind works differently though, so, chances are i'll think it is. or was.

i haven't written anything lately. i am trying to write one now. while staring at the blinding lights right above me. emptying my head is what i am trying to do. i've read somewhere unloading your thoughts and putting them into words is also a therapy of some sorts. it used to work before. when i used to believe it was. now am not so sure. maybe it's true. maybe it isn't. who cares? i am writing and that's all that matters now.

i haven't written anything lately. i have now. but i still haven't written anything coherent. or anything that makes sense. this doesn't count.

1330 HRS..

we were still in baguio..

i was seated on the bus that was going to take us home. restless. i had to be at the office at 8pm. seven hours. kept wondering if we had enough time to reach manila. asked the guy sitting next to me if it was possible. he said the trip normally takes just six hours. but, counting traffic and stopovers, getting to the office before 8 would require a miracle.

i was seated on the bus. next to the window. i had planned on enjoying the view the countryside offers. lush greenery, the mountains stretched on the background, the houses scattered on the roadside, and the people that stops, looking at us as we pass along the highways. watching all these brought back memories of my life in the province. made me realize how long it has been since i was home. really felt home. the city feels more like a jungle, constant chaos at every turn. the scene offered by the windows was a welcome change. someday, when i can, my house will stand on these lands. where nature will greet me and my family as soon as we open the doors and windows.

i was seated on the bus. half of the passengers inside were already sleeping. good for them. it was a long ride, and there's not much to do. max payne was playing on the tv. was painful watching the movie. another reason to choose sleeping over enduring 90 minutes of the crappy film. quite a disappointment really, considering i liked the game where the movie was based.

i was seated on the bus. would look at the time displayed on my phone every now and then. five-minute intervals. the bus was moving too slow. or, at least, it appeared that way to me. couldn't believe we were still in pangasinan after an hour. my own calculations told me we should already be at the expressway after an hour. would've switched seats with the driver if i only knew how to drive the darn thing. i was drifting in and out of sleep, and we were still on the same province. we were running slow. i was convinced we were.

i was seated on the bus. after three hours, we just reached tarlac. it was almost five already. getting frustrated now. i should've been home earlier than this. had enough rest already. imagined myself still sleeping, thinking i'd still have a few hours more before preparing for work. instead, i find myself seated on a bus. on the road. ranting silently. cursing under my breath. utterly bored. and, most likely, would be served another memo for punctuality. perfect. just perfect.

i was seated on the bus. reached manila at 1930HRS. balintawak. got off the bus at 1940HRS. made it to the office after 40mins. late by half an hour. nothing new. story of my life.

xcsg,

it makes me feel better knowing you're doing well. that's something i've always wished for you. i regret not being able to chat with you these past few days/weeks/months. my heart tells me how much you've been missing me. that's something you can never deny. partly because i am certain you do. o[ ^___^ ]o

i am trying out a new philosophy today. well, it's actually a recycled one. i'm looking ahead. by thinking that if i start anticipating good things for me in the future, that could somehow lighten up the burdens i carry on a daily basis. i'm hoping it works. keeping myself busy didn't. there are still those moments when i find myself idle and analyzing how chaotic my life is right now. curse of the geminis.

LIFEHOUSE IS COMING OVER NEXT MONTH..! ! !

you should've heard the news by now. and if i only had the chance to talk to you lately, would probably keep repeating that information. am actually counting the days. and saving to get the best seats. although, i think i'll settle for good ones instead. beggars can't be choosers. still, i'm excited at the chance of seeing them perform live.

i still have to wait weeks before that happens, but then that's actually a positive thing. i get to wake up every morning counting one day less to the event. work environment's changed a bit. now, if they will only let me do my job as i see fit then perhaps everything will turn out well. i think. my performance has been above average. that should at least make them listen to my suggestions. sad thing is, i don't smoke and that actually a disadvantage. office policies are discussed in between puffs.

also, i am getting close to getting myself emancipated from home. soon. i hope. realized they're not gonna be able to stand on their own if i don't ask them to. somehow, they've become dependent on me. it has reached the point where i feel like i am losing out on opportunities. that's just an impression i created for myself. you are well aware that i have the knack for exaggerating things, and this might be one of them. about you missing me though, that one's a fact. something i'll always know..

oh, and i miss you too..

from across the pacific,

Nightwing

xsbg,

i still am complaining. looks like it's the only thing constant in my life right now. i am not proud of it. i find that i still can't set my priorities straight as to where i wanna go, or what i should be doing. funny thing is, i just know i should be somewhere else. the destination's all set, it's the journey that i haven't figured out yet. and time's running out on me. i fear that if i wait a little longer, i'll be losing too much and end up regretting not taking chances when i still can.

how come things are always so simple when you're playing the spectator's part..? i would know what to say to another soul who'd be going through the same situation i am in right now, but i can't find the courage to do the right thing. i am not even sure if it'll be the right thing to do. i only wish i'll be able to do something, anything at all. i find that i still am trapped in a box. caged. one i created for myself. darn.

it's a big world out there. i am nowhere near reaching my goal. i haven't even started trying to get them. not even close.

and here i am whining.

story of my life..

sighs,

Nightwing

Toronto Girl,

that's good advice..

best i've received in years. in fact, i'm close to even saying the best i'd get my whole life. can't though, am sure you'd still be able to come up with something better in the future. the thing is, i haven't figured out yet why i wake up each day and report for work. in time, maybe i will. but right now, i'm just as clueless as the guy sitting next to me, wondering when oil prices went as high as what he's seeing.

i love what i'm doing, the work itself is a challenge really. and each day leads to new discoveries that makes me improve not just an individual but as the company's employee as well. if i can only learn to control my temper, filter the things i'm focusing on, then i could go places. if only.

oh, and, i miss you.

sincerely,

Nightwing